Recently I attended a Christmas Carol service. One of the songs we sang was an old Frank Sinatra melody with the lyrics:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on, our troubles will be miles away
I thought, if only... if only this were true.
After many years in ministry I am well aware that for many families in New Zealand trouble is not out-of-sight in the Christmas season, and neither is it miles away. For many reasons domestic violence is exacerbated around the Christmas season. As a White Ribbon Ambassador, I want to add my voice to the growing number saying, ‘We must stop the violence and break the silence’.
Christmas should be a time for family, friends and fun. A time for showing love and appreciation; a time when we give gifts to those close to us. But for too many of us tension and stress begin to replace the peace and joy we celebrated on Christmas Day.
The statistics for violence of men towards women in the period following Christmas do not make good reading. (Of course, we understand that all family violence is not one way - only men being violent towards women. It can be both ways; however the greater perpetrators of family violence are men as illustrated by the statistics below.)
Women’s Refuge reports an increase in the number of women needing help at Christmas.
“Women’s Refuge is calling on New Zealanders to be more vigilant this Christmas and to think about supporting the many families across NZ affected by family violence. Last year over the holiday season there were over 6000 women and children across Aotearoa that needed Women’s Refuge’s help, up nearly 30 per cent from the previous Christmas… Christmas can be a particularly volatile time for family violence where we see a significant spike in the numbers of women and children needing our help …”*
In July 2016, The New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse reported the following frightening statistics:
- In 2015, there were 110,114 family violence investigations by NZ Police. That is, one family violence case is reported to police every five minutes of every day of the year.
- In 2015, 5,264 applications were made for protection orders:4,857 (89%) were made by women and 513 (9%) by men. 4,774 (89%) of respondents were men and 543 (10%) women.
- In 2015, there were 7,406 recorded male assaults female victimisations and 4,629 proceedings against offenders for breaching a protection order.
- In 2014/15, Women’s Refuges affiliated to the National Collective of Independent Women’s Refuges received 81,990 crisis calls; 4,951 women accessed advocacy services in the community; 2,852 women and children stayed in safe houses.
It is time for the men of the Church to support and encourage each other to be true men, learning to handle stress and tension in non-violent ways especially towards the women in their lives. I am eternally grateful to my own father who taught me as a boy that a true man never hits or abuses a woman. I grew up being mentored by a father who always showed respect and kindness towards my mother. Sadly, many men have not had that model of true manhood. I encourage the men of our community to follow the model of my dad and the non-violent men in their lives. It’s time for family violence to stop.
Men, we need to support and encourage each other to avoid the violent path when stress and tension occur in our lives and our families. Violence is NEVER EVER a choice that a man should make. Even if feeling provoked or stressed – this is not the path to take.
Can I encourage you this Christmas to:
- Value the women in your life!
- Make them a priority, looking for ways to heed their wishes. Don’t be selfish. This can be hard for some men when they have worked hard all year and want to spend as much time as they can with mates.
- Seek help and advice for those bills and credit card debt. Don’t take your frustration out on those close to you.
- When things go wrong – try to resolve rather than blame.
- Think of the love language of the special women in your life: quality time, acts of kindness, words of affirmation, physical touch, gift-giving. Try to show love to the women in the way they need to be loved – not just the way you feel and receive love.
- Remember violence can also be verbal as well as physical, and that may be more hurtful.
Come on men, I encourage you! This Christmas let’s do our part to break the cycle of violence. Let’s show our sons a different way than the violent path; let’s model a respectful and loving attitude to the women and girls in our lives. That would be a lasting gift to give our sons this Christmas. Violence against women and girls will not be eradicated until all of us – men and boys – refuse to tolerate it.
* Women’s Refuge media release 14 December 2016